Estate Agent Application Form

Congratulations, reader. You have successfully managed to get hold of an application form for employment with Bastard & Swindle Ltd, one of the top estate agents in North-West Glasgow, excluding Lambhill and the odd-numbered year leasehold sector.

Answer all questions truthfully except where indicated:

1 – How often are you a bastard?

A: From time to time, for example, when I have stubbed my toe.
B: During normal office hours only.
C: All the time. Fuck you.

2 – Numeracy is important as an estate agent. What number follows 4 (four)?

A: 5
B: 6
C: Fear.

3 – A young couple are interested in getting a two-bedroom flat, but there is a patch of dry rot coming through one of the bedroom ceiling that you have spotted, but has not been noticed by the couple. What should you do?

A: Alert them to the fact that dry rot can be a potentially difficult and expensive problem to solve, that it should be looked into, and that it should perhaps be grounds to lower the offer price.
B: Ignore the patch of dry rot, and walk on through to the kitchen, whistling nonchalantly to disguise guilt and then comment on the remarkable period features in the kitchen, fitted in the 1970’s.
C: Alert them to the dry rot, and say that this was a very desirable trait in palaces in pre-Renaissance France and that accordingly they should consider hiking up their offer price as many other couples will find the flat an attractive option for this reason. Say that you’ll even doctor all the forms for you if we remember.

4 – A group of students walks into the office asking about four-bedroom flats in Kelvinbridge for under £150 a week. What action should you take?

A: Politely tell them that though this might be too cheap for the area, there may be other areas near by that are more affordable, and offer to show them a list of possibilities.
B: Point and laugh.
C: Chase all but one of them out of the office using a machete, and then lock all the doors taking the remaining student hostage and holding him (with the help of a colleague if necessary) with his mouth open under the open water cooler tap, all the while chanting “You will never be a human, you will never be a human”, and then finally decapitating him and having his head mounted like an animal trophy on the wall, placing a mortarboard graduation hat on his head at a jaunty angle, as a reminder to any other idiot students foolhardy enough to grace your saintly estate agent carpet with their scummy in-bred feet.

5 – Have you ever tortured an animal?

A: No, you sick bastard.
B: I once came across a badger waddling with a thorn in its paw down Dumbarton Road and I managed to catch up with it, and thought about tormenting it with a discarded stick I had found, but then I felt dirty and had to have a shower for three days.
C: Yes, regularly, it is good for the soul. I have a bath tub full of small furry animals, and I often torment them with a stick I have specially carved with demonic runes for that very purpose. Sometimes I like to heat up the end of the stick and poke the really cute ones in the eye.

6 – You have made a mistake in recording rent payments, missing some out because you could not be fucked doing your job. Do you:

A: Accept responsibility for the problem, clarify the error, and advise the tenant and landlord of the situation.
B: Point the finger immediately at the tenant, putting the onus on them to provide proof in the form of bank statements that they paid rent.
C: Do nothing until it comes up four years later and then deny everything. Go home after work and torment an animal with a stick for shits and giggles.

7 – Do you have any unspent criminal convictions?

A: Nope. Squeaky clean like a rubber ducky.
B: Only that assault conviction, but he totally deserved it. Those chips were mine.
C: I have been convicted several times of fraud and perjury. I also lied to a judge and said that my cat killed my wife, causing it to be executed by lethal injection. Once I also planted a loaded gun in the hand of this dead guy I found in the park. I say found, but really I shot him for looking at me funny. I think he winked or something.

8 – You are showing a couple around a lakeside villa in Yoker when you notice that your best friend is drowning in the lake. There is a raft tethered to a pier near to where the drowning person is. All pretty coincidental, but it could happen. What do you do?

A: Apologise to the couple for the inconvenience. Untie the raft and row out to your friend, saving him and making sure he is alright.
B: Continue showing the couple around the property.
C: Take the couple into the raft and sail onto the top of your friend’s head, as coincidentally that is in fact the position from which you can have the best view of this glorious property which has been on the market for only a week, and has a beautifully ornate wood-carved awning providing ample protection from the elements for those little sproglets when they arrive. Tap the swollen belly of the wife while giving a knowing smile that is only slightly sleazy to the husband, while the last bubbles of breath from your suffocating friend pop to the surface.

9 – Why do you want to be an estate agent?

A – I don’t really.
B – I think I would make a great estate agent, I have good communication skills, am an adept liar and have good knowledge of the various districts of the city.
C – I was not born in a hospital, but instead found in a skip by a pack of wolves who then raised me. Mother Wolf was a vicious creature, and regularly I would go on hunts around the New Forest watching her wrench apart the bones of young mammals that fell victim to her jaws. She did often say terrible things to me, and often saw in my naked unwolf-like skin the beginnings of her own failings in life. Mother Wolf often liked to say things like, “You are rotten to the core, not like us”. In time I distanced myself from her, becoming more independent and hanging with a bad crowd of wolves from the other side of Partickhill. I learned to call like a wolf, and even started growing mass quantities of fur in unspeakable places. I like nothing better than the thrill of the chase, grabbing a young rabbit between my teeth and feeling the trickle of its warm blood as it flows down over my neck and leaves a wine-dark stain on the soil. I received an OBE for services to wolvery in 2006. Um, what was the question again?

How did you do?

Mostly A’s: Sorry, you are not estate agent material. You would be better off as a human being. Could we interest you in a lovely three-bedroom semi-detached house that burned down last week?

Mostly B’s: With a bit of work, you just might make it. Shed those last fragments of moralistic nature within you, fill your bathtub with mammals and then take the test again next year.

Mostly C’s: Heartiest congratulations, you are Bastard & Swindle’s newest employee. Your contract asks only for 85 hours a week, and you may take up to three days unpaid leave each year. Our salary and pension options are very competitive. Here is your gun and badge.