All Kneel to the Big Numbers

Northern Rock. Yes, stifle that yawn for just a moment. If that news story could just go away now that would be fan-dabbie-dozey. We know that it involves an inordinate amount of cash of the type that us non-financial types can never understand. Someone said something like £55 billion. There is just no way to comprehend 'a billion'. Other, more helpful types, say that it is equivalent to 69 Millenium Domes. All well and good, 69 is well within our cranial radars, until you realise that one Millenium Dome is £800 million. Again, a number far beyond our reach.

Actually this is part of a trend to blow us down with numbers too big to comprehend. Over the despatch box of a Wednesday, the suffix 'million' or 'billion' is used by the Prime Minister and Leader of the Opposition in turn as a kind of beating stick. The fact is, we don't know whether this figure was bigger than the last figure, or whether the number being talked about, in context, is even that much. I mean there are 60 million people for these services to go around, so you would hope that any kind of investment that was not of an extraordinarily specialised nature would at least be in the millions. Even if the government wanted to grant every taxpayer a mere one bag of Salt and Vinegar (take it or leave it) crisps in lieu of a tax rebate, a minister could still hammer down on the despatch box and holler about the millions being given back to the Great British Public.

But back to the point. The Northern Rock story, though important to account holders and shareholders alike, seems to have been 'solved' for now. Account holders have their money safeguarded, and it may have mightily pissed off the shareholders, but you could argue the whole solution down to the concept of Utilitarianism I suppose. Whether it is the right solution remains to be seen. I seem to remember how, for the last few weeks, people harped on about the catastrophic decision-making of Alastair Darling and how they should nationalise the bank. I don't understand enough to know why this seemed like the best option, so I took it at face value. Now that the bank has been nationalised, people are again winding themselves into a twisted frenzy, spurred on by the column-furlongs devoted to the subject, wheeling out every cobweb-ridden financial commentator from the past in a sordid circus of dart-throwing. Poor Mr Darling rotates on the wheel while knives anchor themselves by, and occasionally into, his limbs. It may be that the government is guilty of incompetence, as is alleged, but I didn't see the Opposition come up with a better solution. Only the Liberal Democrats mooted nationalisation as the answer from the off. For this reason I reserve any defence or support of anyone on the matter, the issue is simply too cloudy.

The main point though, is please can we hand over the news to something else now? There is plenty else happening. The independence of Kosovo, new strife in Afghanistan, elections in Pakistan to name but three. The 'temporary' arrangement surrounding Northern Rock is temporary as in the 'few years' meaning of the word, therefore we don't really need to hear about it again for a few years.

I propose that there be a blanket ban on reporting on this story until something genuinely newsworthy happens, like an endangered species of dolphin is found in the bank's main vault in Newcastle and is elevated to the status of CEO. Perhaps Flipper could sort out the bank's troubles.